Some things in life come naturally: my beauty, flawless gaydar, and alcoholism…just to name a few. One thing that doesn’t? Blog entries. It’s like the way more technologically advanced version of writer’s block. And it fucking sucks. All my bloggies want two-a-day action but sorryimnotsorry homie don’t play that.
Anyways, on to the main event! One of my favorite things in the world (aside from tequila and Natty Light, obvi), CAFFEINE BLACKOUTS. If you’re lame enough to have never experienced the sheer ecstasy that is a caffeine blackout, get the fuck out. Not only do you not deserve to be alive…you more importantly don’t deserve to be reading this blog either.
It all begins with your coffee beverage of choice. For ease of consumption purposes, iced coffee is key. Pick your poison: Dunkin Donuts (with a turbo shot if you’re really tryna get into it), Starbucks, Folgers, La Colombe (shameless plug)…for fucks sake coffee is coffee…just drink a lot of it. And fast. And while you’re at it don’t let food pass your lips within the primo window of opportunity, 2 hours before and after chugging that liquid gold. We’re not fucking around here.
Your average caffeine blackout usually begins around 3-5 minutes after you’ve consumed your first beverage. On to the next one? This is where things really start to get fun. Now I will do what I do best when writing (thank you City Honors for teaching me everything I need to know about procrastination and reaching word requirements), quote someone else to take up space! In the wise words of ma main bitch and fellow blogging sensation (get @ her) Frances, “What does a caffeine blackout feel like? Approaching a seemingly imminent death via the shakes and the ultimate euphoric high ALL AT ONCE!” In other words, the best. But seriously. “How do you know you are addicted to coffee? Because each time a caffeine blackout nears you swear you will never consume that much caffeine again…and then you do”
Caffeine blackouts provide the ideal opportunity to complete all your least favorite activities. Productivity is at its highest. It’s like taking Adderall but you get the added benefit of the SHAKES (so great), often severe delusion (even greater), and if you’re lucky…emotional breakdowns (say whaaat?). During a caffeine blackout, time is never wasted, and most importantly…you just don’t give a FUCK what other people are thinking about you. You’re too busy trying to fight off the shakes in order to clutch the rest of your iced coffee and slurp that bad boy down like you've never tasted coffee before in your life.
When being a blackout bitch, I highly recommend avoiding any and all circumstances in which road rage may result. Safety first, my little cabbages!
In other news, the title to this post is also relevant in that today marks ONE MONTH until my 21st birthday. As in...I have one month left to live. As in...ambulance on standby. As in...#watchoutworld. Better stock those shelves at Wine & Spirits while you still have the chance...
